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JONAH HEX
Author: Bill Ramey
June 17, 2010
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OFFICIAL SYNOPSIS: Jonah Hex (Josh Brolin) is a scarred drifter and bounty hunter of last resort, a stoic, battle-hardened gunslinger who can track down anyone...and anything. Having survived death, Jonah's violent history is steeped in myth and legend, and has left him with one foot in the natural world and one on the "other side." A man fated to wander alone, his sole human connection is with Lilah (Megan Fox), whose life in a brothel has left her with scars of her own.

Jonah's past is about to catch up with him when the U.S. military makes him an offer he can't refuse: in exchange for freedom from the warrants on his head, he must track down and stop the sinister terrorist Quentin Turnbull (John Malkovich), the man who killed Hex's family and mutilated his face with a branding iron. Turnbull, who is gathering an army and preparing to unleash Hell, is also Jonah's oldest enemy and will stop at nothing until Jonah is dead.

Based on the legendary character from the comic book series from DC Comics, JONAH HEX is an epic action adventure about one man's personal quest for redemption against the canvas of the battle between good and evil.

DIRECTED BY: Jimmy Hayward
WRITTEN BY: Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor
CAST: Josh Brolin, John Malkovich, Megan Fox, Will Arnett, Michael Shannon
STUDIO: Warner Bros.
OFFICIAL SITE: JONAH-HEX.COM
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Damn!

I was really hoping that this film wouldn’t totally suck. But alas, JONAH HEX does. Without a doubt, this is the worst comic book adaptation we’ve seen since the gosh-awful CATWOMAN back in 2004.

In short, JONAH HEX is about a former Confederate solder (Josh Brolin) turned bounty hunter who is out seeking vengeance for the murder of his wife and young son. The man behind the murders is Quentin Turnbull (John Malkovich), a former colonel in the Confederate army who in turns blames Jonah Hex for the death of his own son during the Civil War. Some ten years later and on the eve of America’s centennial celebration, Turnbull has got his hands on a weapon of mass destruction and plans to destroy the United States.

When it comes to reviewing this film, I’m almost at a loss for words here. I mean, it’s bad. Really, REALLY bad.

The performance are horrible, Josh Brolin’s makeup looks fake and cheesy, and the plot is a rehash of something we’ve seen in about a thousand previous films. Come on Malkovich, you just mailed it in here! And to think this cat was once considered one of the best actors working in Hollywood. And as far as Megan Fox is concerned, her days have to be numbered. Yes she’s hot, but she can’t act. At some point -- and I think we’re about to get their with Ms. Fox -- being the super-hot girl in a film ain’t going to work no more. You know what I mean?

The only positive thing I can say about JONAH HEX is that it’s runtime is only about 80 minutes.

I’m not going to waste your time here, OK? This movie is just flat-out terrible. Though the film is based on a comic book, most folks who see it won’t realize that fact. Thank goodness Jonah Hex doesn’t wear tights and a cape. The last thing we need is for the mainstream audience to identify this mess as a “Superhero Film.” Frankly, it’s an embarrassment to the genre.

This is a movie you go see simply to make fun of it.

GRADE: F

JONAH HEX hits theaters on June 18, 2010.

A life-long Batman fan, "Jett"
is the founder of
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and resides in the great state of Texas.

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