.::BATMAN-ON-FILM.COM -- "'BATMAN RETURNS' Blogged" (4/5/08)::.

(EDITOR’S NOTE: This is the second in a series of blogs written as the author views a BATMAN film.)

Despite that fact, I promised myself that I’d go into this blog with an open mind and try my best not to make it a BATMAN RETURNS bash-fest.

How in the hell is this a Batman movie when almost half of it revolves around a flippered, black goo spewing, raw fish eating, sewer dwelling character?! But I digress.

Man, I can vividly remember how excited I was for BATMAN RETURNS back in ‘92! Oh well, life’s full of disappointments. Here we go….

I knew as soon as I saw the opening with Paul “Pee Wee Herman” Reubens as Daddy Cobblepot and the dumping of young Oswald into the sewer that something was, um “wrong.”

Don’t worry about young Oswald, he was found by huge Penguins living in the sewers of Gotham. He’s kinda like Tarzan, you know what I’m sayin’? That’s it, Burton’s Penguin is Tarzan…but a Tarzan raised by Penguins, not apes.

OK, so Gotham had a complete transformation between BATMAN and RETURNS? I guess it moved into a dingy, bizarre, matchbox-sized universe. Matchboxville!

What is the deal with this Max Schreck power plant storyline? Yeah, that’s peaking my interest.

Bad wig on Christopher Walken. BAD wig.

“I’m afraid we haven’t properly broken Miss Kyle.” Nice cat-foreshadowing there!

Here comes the Red Circus Gang! What a fantastic idea that was for a gang to terrorize Matchboxville. Alright, I’m lying. They are RIDICULOUS!

OK, I kind of like the scene of Bruce Wayne rising up out of his chair with the Batsignal behind him. BUT…

WHY IN THE HELL IS HE SITTING ALONE BROODING IN WAYNE MANOR?! Doesn’t Batman patrol Gotham nightly? Oh yeah, I forgot. Bruce is mentally ill, coo coo, whacko, a nutter, etc. etc.

Don’t you love a hero that sets people afire with the Batmobile’s flame exhaust? I know I do. *rolls eyes*

I like the RETURNS costume.

Gordon: “Thanks for saving the day Batman!” The beginning of “Buffoon Gordon.” Jeez.

How in the hell does a guy that’s raised by penguins in the sewers of Gotham and then becomes part of a circus freak show, build a huge underground lair? Because he’s The Penguin, that’s how! I guess he got that Red Circus game to build for him without anyone noticing…like Matchboxville’s public works department.

I’m barely into this movie and I’m already thinking, “How in the HELL can someone think that this is a good BATMAN fan?” Sorry, I know some of y’all love it, but I just don’t get the adoration for this film as a “BATMAN” movie. Never will either.

Oh here it comes, the “great” Selina Kyle murder/cat-licking transformation into Catwoman scene. I don’t like cats -- I’m a dog man myself -- but if I can get one that can lick me back to life when I kick the bucket, I’ll get me one.

“Curiosity killed the cat!” Smart dialogue there! *rolls eyes*

OK now, Selina let’s flip out, drink milk, trash the apartment, and make a Catwoman suit! But she now feels”yummy.” Good for her.

Not only can Selina come back from the dead, but she’s an expert seamstress/costume designer too! Kind of girl you want to bring home to Mom.

Gotham‘s experiencing “urban chaos,” so says the mayor of Gotham. Um, total urban chaos is being caused by a small group of circus freaks? In a city as big as Gotham? Oh never mind. I forgot that Gotham exists in a match box…a “Gothic Netherworld.”

Yet again, Michael Gough turns in a fine performance as Alfred.

NOW Batman’s out patrolling Gotham in the Batmobile instead of moping around Wayne Manor in a state of depression (Zoloft Bruce!). But there’s no one out and about the city…except for The Penguin! I guess the Red Circus Gang has everyone in the major metropolitan city inside their homes with their doors locked.

Danny DeVito as The Penguin. A little overacting here? Tom Cruise would be proud.

And here’s Catwoman! Not only did those cat-licks bring her back to life, but they gave her super gymnastic and martial arts skills!

Now the big meeting between Schreck and Bruce Wayne over that power plant Got to get that thing built! Real deep plot stuff there.

I've got a fevah! And the only prescription, is more powerplant!

Nevermind.

“I mistook me for someone else.” Really? Like whom I wonder?

This Chip Schreck character adds nothing to this film but BAD acting.

So how do you get on the good side of The Penguin? Why, you bring him raw fish, that’s what you do!

You’ve got to be kidding me! Probably the most outrageous and laughable aspects of this film: The Penguin running for mayor of Gotham.

The Penguin’s a freak AND sexually repressed. “I’d like to fill her void.” “Teach her my French flipper trick.” Hahahahaha. More great BATMAN RETURNS dialogue there. *rolls eyes*

Nothing adds to a BATMAN movie like having a sewer freak biting another guy’s nose and having blood spew everywhere.

Oh man, The Red Circus Gang is at it again! Never fear, Batman is here to save the day -- with his computerized and programmable Batarang! It can take down a slew of badguys, but it has one weakness: poodles.

Killer Batman’s at it again (but who’s counting?): Batman stuffs a bomb down Muscleman’s pants and blows him to bits.

Batman, Catwoman, and The Penguin together in the streets of Matchboxville. Where is everybody?

Fight! Fight! Fight! Batman vs. Catwoman. Now there’s some real action!

Killer Batman is at it again -- almost: Punches Catwoman and knocks her off the rooftop…only to be saved by cat litter. How ironic! How cleaver! *rolls eyes*

“You’re the hottest young person a role model could have.” *rolls eyes*

Supervillain team-up! Catwoman and The Penguin. Wow!

“Just the pussy I was looking for.” OK, we get it! The Penguin’s horny. Sheesh.

Catwoman’s giving herself a “bath” now. Please. That’s flat stupid.

Bruce to Selina: “You got kinda a dark side.” OK, let’s hit us over the head that Bruce/Selina and Batman/Catwoman are the “same.”

I see, here’s Burton’s one moment in the film that he ties RETURNS to BATMAN. So how does he do it? Mention good ‘ol Vicki Vale! You know the relationship didn’t work out, right? Couldn’t deal with the Bruce’s duality. But I bet Selina can ‘cause they are the SAME! Yea!

OH NO! The Ice Princess has been kidnapped! If there were people actually living in Matchboxville, they’d probably freak out. I guess they are ‘cause it’s all over TV.

Someone tell me how in the hell could The Penguin or any of those other freaks figure out how to break into -- much less compromise -- the Batmobile!

Now this is great dialogue: “Eat floor, high fiber.” Hahahahahaha….uh…meh.

Want more examples of great dialogue? “Gotta go. Girl talk!” Again, well done. *smirks*

Love the way they’re using Pat Hingle’s Gordon. We’ve had “Thanks for saving the day Batman,” and now “Hold your fire!” Way to use one of the most important characters in the Batman mythos.

What’s up with Catwoman and falling in this movie.

The people of Matchboxville do exist! They’ve now turned into an angry mob and are out to get our hero! Very FRANKENSTEIN, if you will. The Hammer FRANKENSTEIN though.

Oh no! The Penguin’s in control of The Batmobile! Driving it with his little mini version of Batman’s ride. Man, that’s really a cool toy!

Now it’s time for “DJ B-Wayne” to spin the bad ‘ol Penguin right out of hearts of the people from Matchboxville.

I’m sorry, what is the plot of this film? Schreck’s Power plant? Weird Penguin Man of the Sewer runs for Mayor of Gotham? Catwoman’s plan to…uh…to do I have no idea. This thing is a mess.

Now he’s back where he belongs! The Penguin, in his cool ducky boat in the Matchbookville sewers.

At least there was a Rick James in whatever Netherworld/alternate universe this Batman exists. All is not lost. I wonder if there is a version of Eddie Murphy too. That way Netherworld Rick James can produce a Netherworld version of “Party All The Time.”

I bet you didn’t see this one coming…what a plot twist! Bruce and Selina figure out that the other is Catwoman and Batman! Didn’t see it myself, probably because I was fighting falling asleep.

More great dialogue: “You didn’t invite me, so I crashed!” Jebus Cripes. *sigh*

How much longer? I’m struggling.

Now here’s a plotline/climax I can really get into! The Penguin is going to kidnap all the firstborn children of Matchboxville. Should be easy, hardly anyone lives there.

There are many, MANY absurd moments in BATMAN RETURNS, but the Penguin Army may top ’em all. With there little missiles attached and all -- that‘s one hell of a danger to Matchboxville. Please Batman, save the day!

Time to sell toys…The Batboat!

How in the hell did I NOT get up and walk out of this movie the first -- and only -- time I saw it at the theater is absolutely beyond me.

What’s with Poodle Woman and her play-by-play bit?

Hey, I think I just saw the first traces of black goo.

I’m sure no one would notice The Penguin making his getaway in a giant Duckmobile through the streets of Matchboxville. A very inconspicuous vehicle, no doubt.

Now The Penguin falls! Was there a mandatory number of times the villains had to fall in this flick?

Alrighty, big confrontation between Selina -- who has appeared out of nowhere -- and the evil Max Schreck. Think she’s going to kill him?

OK, now Batman is going to bring a bad guy to jail instead of killing them, so he’s going to expose himself as Bruce Wayne in front of Schreck! He must really love that Selina. They’re the same though, remember?

Did you know that Bruce and Selina are the same? Split, right down the middle? Hmm. I didn’t see that one coming.

Black goo! Black goo! Lot’s of black goo!

The Penguin’s dead. Now his big penguins are carrying him to his cold, watery grave. I’m assuming that off camera, Batman call’s in the police, the coroner, and the animal control department.

Bruce now has a pet cat! Again, the irony. I wonder if Selina made it? Of course she did! She got supernatural powers from those cat-licks!

See, there she is -- she made it! Way to end a Batman movie -- with a shot of a villain instead of Batman.

I’m guessing no new Schreck power plant for Matchboxville.

Is it obvious that I don’t particularly care for this film?

BATMAN RETURNS is full of the macabre, the bizarre, and the weird. Heroism and excitement -- which I would expect to see in a Batman film -- are nonexistent.

If I’ve said it once I’ve said it a zillion times: BATMAN RETURNS is “Batman” in name only. It’s a Tim Burton film that just happens include a few characters that you might find in a Batman comic book. Ultimately, it’s two hours of Mr. Burton having a good time at the expense of the Batman mythos and Batman fans.

NEXT: BATMAN FOREVER