Before I blog 1997’s BATMAN AND ROBIN, a little preface…
I’ll admit it, I was fired up for this film.
Five years prior, I had been tremendously disappointed with the first sequel to BATMAN ‘89, BATMAN RETURNS. In fact, I detest that film to this day -- that macabre, weird, Batman-in-name-only piece of…
Um, sorry about that. I kinda lost it there Anyway…
So despite the fact that there would again be a new Batman (George Clooney) and director Joel Schumacher had included Batgirl (Alicia Silverstone) and the trailers looked like complete crap, I was still looking forward to seeing it. I even went out an bought me a B&R T-shirt to wear opening night!
I figured that it would at least be good as its predecessor and that the Batman film franchise was on solid ground. Hell, they were already planning the next film which would have been titled BATMAN TRIUPMPHANT.
Boy, was I WRONG.
BATMAN & ROBIN ended up being an abomination and a total embarrassment to not only Batman fans, but all involved. Or at least it should be an embarrassment to those folks. It also set back the comic book movie genre years and years. Hell, it damned near killed it!
On with the blog of Joel Schumacher‘s BATMAN & ROBIN, released in June of 1997.
Hmm, pretty much the same opening credits as FOREVER. I’d forgotten that Arnold Schwarzenegger (Mr. Freeze) had gotten top credit over Clooney…
Same sort of suit up scene to open this film just like in FOREVER -- and more butt shots. Geez…
Clooney actually looks good as Batman. I even like the Bat-Suit in this one -- though I’d prefer it to be black and sans the nipples. The Nightwing --err -- Robin costume isn’t all that bad either…
“I want a car. Chicks dig the car!” “This is why Superman works alone.” Hahahahahaha….NOT!
The Batmobile sucks. A convertible? Why in the hell would Batman drive a convertible? Oh yeah. So they can play homage to the 60s TV show…
Pat Hingle as Commissioner Gordon. Man, was both the actor and the character wasted in the Burton/Schumacher series? And I don’t mean he was boozing it up either -- though Schumacher and Akiva Goldsman must have been…
The Robincycle/Redbird -- whatever -- sucks too…
Schwarzenegger could have been a good Mr. Freeze if the way he was written in this movie hadn’t sucked…
I will say that the Freeze-Gun affects were pretty well done…
“The iceman commeth!” Just the beginning of the asinine lines that Goldsman concocted for Freeze. Arnold had to be thinking “WTF did I sign up for here?!” Man oh man…
Dr. Doug Ross has now dropped through the skylight! “Hi Freeze, I’m Batman.” The absolute worst delivery of that line. EVER…
WTF?! Batman’s hanging ten down an F’n dinosaur? And that actually sounded good on paper? Oy vey…
So, Robin comes crashing through the wall on his bike and breaks out a perfect Robin logo in the wall. *rolls eyes* Wow! That was cool -- if you are like seven…
Freeze’s skating goons…Batman and Robin with skates in their boots…playing hockey with a big ass diamond. Is this not one of the most embarrassing scenes EVER in Batman film? No wait, there’s still almost two hours left of this garbage…
This dialogue is unbearable…
*Sigh* I’ve yet to make it out of the opening action sequence and I’m already to shut ‘er down. Did I ever tell y’all that I actually walked out of this film back in ‘97? I don’t know if I can make it…
Now Freeze is escaping in a dildo rocket? A dildo rocket. You’ve got to be kidding me?! Stupid…
“Surfs up!” I. Will. Not. Make. It…
How in the hell did this F’n script get greenlit? Whomever did at Warner Bros. had to be high…
I wish that Robin would have frozen to death. Why oh why couldn’t the batteries in Batman’s Bat-Laser have been bad? Damn you Alfred…
I don’t like Poison Ivy, but Uma Thurman was pretty good casting. Too bad this film sucks and the character was written horribly campy…
How in the hell did Lionel Luthor get into this movie? I'm now confused...
I have no idea why Bane was included in this film. No idea whatsoever. Oh yeah,, they needed a flunky for Ivy! Bane is just absolutely ridiculous in the movie and a complete waste…
Since this script is basically a total retread of BATMAN FOREVER, I guess Freeze = Two Face and Ivy = The Riddler. Real original…
“This is where it goes north.” So, what if you’re in the southern hemisphere? Hmm…
If Clooney would stop bobbing his head, he might make for a good Bruce Wayne…
The Alfred-is-dying subplot is the best -- and only good -- part of the film…
“It’s not nice to fool with Mother Nature.” What is this? A Chiffon Margarine commercial? Good gosh…
Oh HAHAHAHAHAHA! “I’m Mr. White Christmas, I’m Mr. Snow.” Someone shoot me…
Wow! What an interesting plot. Mr. Freeze will freeze Gotham City. How in the hell did they come up with that? Genius…
OK, here we go again with the complete rehash of BATMAN FOREVER. Batgirl/Barbara Wilson = Robin/Dick Grayson…
Barbara Wilson is a closet biker/street racer. Certainly enough experience to done a Bat-costume and fight crime in Gotham City…
How did Bane get a driver’s license in Gotham? I would’ve figured that a huge, mono-syllable speaking dude in a wrester’s mask would have raised a red flag at the DMV…
So, I thought that Bruce and Dr. Chase Meridian were hot to trot for each other? Now we’ve got Elle Macpherson’s Julie Madison. OK, I get it. Nicole Kidman said “F NO!” to this garbage. I wish I had before I walked into that theater twelve years ago…
B&R’s diamond auction = FOREVER’s circus. I figure that Goldsman just sat down with white-out, and pen, and the FOREVER script when banging out this one…
“My garden needs tending.” I’m sure it does girl…
There must be a worm hole, vortex, or something between the B & R world into THE DARK KNIGHT universe. I just saw that dude that The Joker messed with in TDK -- “You remind me of my father. I HATED my father!” -- attending the Wayne diamond auction. Damn multiverse…
(Before you email me, I know who "That Dude" is, FYI. *I was trying to be funny*)
Again, who in the F OK’ed this script? He better not be working at Warner Bros. right now…
Pat Hingle/Commissioner Gordon = ? Why is he even in this film? I have no idea…
Obligatory Bat-Movie chase scene. This time on big ass statues of naked men. That’s what I’m talking about…
I want to punch Robin in the face. Hard…
Alfred and a CD. I thought for a second that he was going to go all DJ Alfred like Batman in BATMAN RETURNS -- that macabre, weird, Batman-in-name-only piece of…
Sorry about that again.
Clooney could have been a good Batman. Sorry, but he could have…
I think that B & R’s Gotham City is in Minnesota. I just saw Gov. Jesse Ventura disguised as a prison guard. Doing undercover work I assume…
Well, the street gangs of Gotham have really kicked up the neon makeup since FOREVER haven’t they…
Bane = Frankenstein + The Hulk…
Thanks goodness that Elle Macpherson had that stint on FRIENDS and does have to rely on B&R as the highpoint of her acting career.
What’s the point of this motorcycle race sequence? OK, it gives Barbara Wilson something “cool” to do and serves the same purpose as “Batman saves Dick Grayson from the neon gang” did in FOREVER. An original film this is…
For the third straight film, a super villain team-up! I’m so happy! Weeeee….
I can’t make it through the rest of this without beer. So…
Now, this whole subplot with Freeze and his wife isn’t bad -- though it’s a ripoff of BATMAN: THE ANIMATED SERIES. I wish more of the film had been like this and the Alfred-is-dying subplot…
Oh NOW they’ve given Gordon something of substance to do. He saves the day by turning on a red light…
Whomever greenlit this P.O.S. better be flipping burgers today…
I must say it was a nice piece of detective work figuring out that Ivy’s lips are poison. That’ right up there with the stuff from THE DARK KNIGHT…
Vagina plants. Dildo rocket ships and now vagina plants. *rolls eyes*…
Despite that fact that this film bits more than words can do justice, Michael Gough was still good as Alfred…
You know, you can see here that Clooney can flat act. As Bruce Wayne, he does good with what was given him. Props to him for surviving this debacle…
Elle Macpherson is a FOX! That’s an old 70s term for you youngsters…
Don’t you think that Bane destroying the Batsignal in B&R was done as well as Gordon smashing it in TDK? No? I don’t either…
Dammit! The Bruce/Alfred scenes in the film were good! *shakes head*…
Alfred has a really, really bad password. Three letters? He should’ve checked "strength of password" beforehand…
If I hear anymore sexual innuendo I’m going to puke. Kid friendly? Please…
I guess Bruce Wayne’s secretary Margaret moonlights as a space observatory scientist…
Alfred = Max Headroom…
Finally for the Bat-Dudes! A Bat-Boob shot…
Ivy needs here her eyebrows waxed…
OK, Batgirls sucks. “You’re about to become compost.” *rolls eyes* No reason to waste anymore time on this character…
Did Goldsman really write the line “Curses!” into this film? And this man won an Oscar. Deservedly so, but where was that guy while writing this script? Man…
Freeze’s Super Ice-Gun in B&R = The Riddler’s Big Brain Wave Sucking Machine in FOREVER…
How come Batgirl takes off her cowl? Too hot? But they’re fighting Mr. Freeze…
Those ice costumes suck. "Suck" is a common word in this blog I believe...
Robin saving Batgirl from falling to her death in B&R = Batman saving Robin from falling to his death in FOREVER…
“Hey Freeze, the heat is on.” = “Excuse me. Have you ever danced with the devil by the pale moonlight?” More rip-offs from previous Bat-Flicks…
I will say this, the F/X in this film were really pretty good and hold up well even today…
OK, I’ve almost made it through this thing. Thank you beer…
So Batgirl -- who had a hard time figuring out the password “PEG” on a computer -- can now work her magic to reprogram Freeze’s satellites? Um, sure…
Thank goodness for stress balls and beer…
Can’t keep Arnold’s Mr. Freeze bad for good right? It wasn’t in his contract. Redemption time thanks to ‘ol Batman…
Why had this been going through my mind the last two hours: “If I only had a heart…”
Just when they had a chance to get away from the nonsense and have at least one camp-less scene involving Batman, Freeze has to utter, “Take two and call me in the morning.” I should’ve known better…
Trivia? Is this the only film that two future state governors appeared in together? Maybe so…
(UPDATE: Several BOF alerted me to the fact that both Arnold and Jesse were in 1987's PREDATOR and THE RUNNING MAN.)
“Partners.” Thank God this is over…
Each and everyone involved had to know that this was complete rubbish when they were shooting this thing, right? How could anyone come to work and not be pissed knowing they were working on crap is beyond me…
Oh well, at least it ends with a nice Smashing Pumpkins song.
In hindsight, I bet they wish that they’d skipped on R. Kelly’s “Gotham City,” ya think?
