Oh, readers. I lied to you. But only because DC Comics lied to me.
At the end of my review of GOTHAM CITY SIRENS’s underwhelming 13th issue, I found hope in the fact that regular creative team Paul Dini (words) and Guillem March (art) would be back for issue #14.
That’s what DC’s website was telling me then, and that’s what it’s still telling me now.
However.
It’s actually another misfire by writer Tony Bedard and artist Andres Guinaldo. I don’t think I can call them “guest writer and artist” anymore, because it’s increasingly looking like these guys are turning SIRENS into a full-time gig. They’re on for at least another issue after this one’s cliffhanger, and DC’s solicits obviously can’t be trusted to be accurate or updated.
I’m flabbergasted by this issue’s storytelling. Deep in the bowels of S.T.A.R. Labs, where our girl Ivy is now a big-shot employee, lies the body of an Alien Plant Man. Five years ago, this Alien Plant Man’s GIANT SPACESHIP crashed into the woods outside Gotham, which is now apparently surrounded by the Great Smokey Mountains if Guinaldo’s art is any indication.
Apparently no one heard or detected the crash of the GIANT SPACESHIP, and Alien Plant Man wandered the streets of Gotham for a month before deciding to email an advanced chemical formula to Dr. Simmons at S.T.A.R. Labs.
What?!
If he’s just walking around the streets for a month, when did he get internet access and an email address? And how did he get Dr. Simmons’s email address? Are you serious? An email?
Anyway, Alien Plant Man is lying about his true intentions (because he’s the scout for an invasion), and Dr. Simmons is lying about his true intentions (which aren’t to cooperate with Alien Plant Man but to experiment on him).
Alien Plant Man telepathically speaks the dirty, sexy language of Alien Plant Love into Harley’s brain, turning her into his evil, adoring minion.
Can Selina and Harley rescue their friend -- and the world! -- before she and Alien Plant Man cover all of civilization in damn dirty alien vegetation? Tune in next issue to find out!
Or don’t. I’m at the point where I’m only buying this book to tell you guys that you don’t have to buy it. Guinaldo’s often fits the mood of March’s but can’t match the skill, and Bedard’s scripts and stories can’t hold candles to Dini’s fun, exciting, character-driven tales.
Could I tell a better story? No. But I’m not getting paid to, and Gotham’s tantalizing trio deserves a lot better than what this title is devolving into.
