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OPINION: THE DARK KNIGHT SUCKS!
Author: Jett
Sunday, July 27, 2008

"How many times...have I seen...THE DARK KNIGHT?"

*mouths* "Eight."

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought it was “All THAT” and everything when I first saw it. And sure, it’s making tons of money from people all over the world flocking to see it. BUT…

My subsequent viewings of this movie have led me to one irrefutable conclusion: THE DARK KNIGHT sucks.

That’s right, it’s crap and an embarrassment of a “Batman” film.

“How can you say that Jett,” I know you are probably asking yourself. We’ll let me spell it out for y’all.

The Joker doesn’t wear makeup, he’s "permawhite." He fell into a vat of chemicals and came out with white skin, green hair, and red lips. That didn’t happen in TDK, therefore, that ain't “The Joker.”

Plus, Heath Ledger’s nose wasn’t near long enough for The Joker -- The real Joker has a big-ass nose, you know? And a Jay Leno-ish chin. And he’s like “hasn't ate in a week” skinny.

Chris Nolan wants to pass this off to us as The Joker? Please!

And when it comes to this so-called “Batman.” Ha!

What’s up with this “black armor” crap? Everyone knows that Batman wears tights. He goes out and kicks the hell out of criminals wearing a leotard dammit!

And where are the dadgum outside-the-suit underpants?! If Christian Bale ain’t wearing blue -- not black -- underpants on the outside of his tights, then he ain’t Batman!

Harvey Dent/Two Face sucked!

Where’s the crazy half and half suit? Two Face MUST have a suit that’s goofy and all crazy on one side, and be a regular business suit on the other! And why wasn’t his face perfectly split right down the middle? That’s how it is in the comics and that’s the way is HAS to be!

And his coin! It HAS to be clean on one side, and all scratched up on the other? Burnt? WTF is up with THAT?! And he should’ve been flipping in constantly. Just flipping it like a nervous twitch!

Plus, why didn’t Nolan make him all schizo and everything? He should have ALWAYS referred to himself as “we.” That’s just wrong!

Gotham City sucked too.

I didn’t see one damn gargoyle -- NOT A ONE! Gotham is FULL of Gargoyles, right?! Since there weren’t no damn gargoyles and all other types of macabre and weird stuff, that sure as hell wasn’t Gotham!

Gotham should be all night, all the time. Like INSOMNIA, but in reverse, you know what I'm saying?

Why isn’t Jim Gordon smoking a pipe constantly?

Why isn’t Alfred bald and sporting a mustache?

No black goo?!

And where the HELL is Aunt Harriet?

STOP!

Do I sound unreasonable? Perhaps a little silly? Like I'm off in the head?

Good!

If and when we are privileged to get another Batman film helmed by Chris Nolan and his great team, perhaps one can reserve judgment, refrain from nitpicking, and be willing to give “Team Nolan” the benefit of the doubt…

UNTIL ONE SEES THE DAMN FILM!

So, did we learn a lesson?

Based on history, probably not.

Jett, AKA "Bill Ramey," is the founder of BATMAN-ON-FILM.COM.
HERE is what Jett REALLY thinks about TDK!

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